Category Archives: Uncategorized

A Legend Retired Today

Thank you for everything you have done.

You will be missed.

The Evolution of a Dance Party

Happened at Sasquatch.  No analysis or extra words needed. Just watch.

Currently listening to:  Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head – Me+Yr Daughter

Holy Matrimony.

Gets off to a rough start.  Would hate to be that guy.

Currently listening to:  Lupe Fiasco – Superstar

Stunting is Habitual.

While Terrell Owens is spending the week thanking god, I am going to spend the week thanking David Banner.  The David Banner of American rap, record production, record executive, acting, and…… oh you didn’t know…… philanthropic fame.  The David Banner who recorded the song “Play,” the sexually charged anthem of 2005 which received massive airplay on fraternity dance floors between the hours of 12:30-2:00am on any given Tuesday. The David Banner whose real name is Lavell Crump.  David, or Lavell, or whoever you are, I would also take a stage alias if my parents decided to give me a name that sounded like it belonged in the 3rd installment of The Nutty Professor.

Ask yourself:  without David, would you have ever considered if you’d seen a Chevy with the butterfly doors? I don’t think so.  It’s kind of weird that he keeps talking about a Chevy with butterfly doors when he pulls up in the beginning of the video in a blue 360 Spyder.  But who am I to judge, stunting is not yet habitual for me.

So that gets me to the point of this post:  stunting.  Interestingly enough, Urban Dictionary has this definition:

“High class flashing of your jewelry, money riches etc. Made famous by the Cash Money Millionaires. A person who stunts would be a “stunna” usually showing off diamonds, gold, platinum, women, cars and stacks of cash..LARGE BILLS! see “bling bling” for an idea of something a “stunna” would stunt.”

Notice that this definition does not mention stunting as any kind of acquired pattern of behavior that often occurs automatically.  So it seems that David is making a claim as to the extent of his stunting and how he goes about it.

Number one would be with his vehicle.  He sings about it in his songs.  He is a teacher, a nobleman who has extended the philosophy of Pimp My Ride.  And if your vehicle is properly stunting, it encompasses the following things, all according to David in the gospel ballad Get Like Me:

  • “chip in the engine” – Technically, the chip does not go in the engine, it goes in the ECU.  You solder it onto the motherboard and it remaps the fuel and ignition timing.  Not that I know anything about  this kind of stuff.
  • “26 inch rims” – This seems a little outlandish to me.  It’s like being 5’4″, 105 lbs and getting triple-D’s.
  • “old school chevy” – Equals 1985 Caprice.  That is fucking baller, man.
  • “freak on my arm” – I am guessing this is Melyssa Ford.
  • “diamonds on my pinky” – That is sweet.
  • “diamonds in my mouth” – That is not ostentatious at all.
  • “charm around my neck” – That’s CUTE.  Tiffany’s?
  • “Gucci on my seat” – Gucci does not make seat covers.
  • “pistol in my hand” – Pistol?  Is this the fucking Civil War? Where is your Parrott Rifle?
the culmination of the above points results in this. piece. of. shit.

the culmination of the above points result in this. piece. of. shit.

imagine going out to dinner on a saturday and your date has this in his mouth.

imagine going out to dinner on a saturday and your date has this in his mouth.

Now this gets us to the most important part of a vehicle which aims to achieve the status of “stunting”: the vanity license plate.  Everyone can get rims and chips and paint and velour seat covers and dice and bitches and hoes, but license plates provide the blank canvas that any true artist relishes to use as a foundation.  Here are some examples from cars that are definitely stunting.

how did the DMV not catch this...

how did the DMV not catch this...

have you seen that new pirate movie?  it's rated just like your license plate.

have you seen that new pirate movie? it's rated the same as your license plate.

that is lewd.

that is lewd.

timmmmmaaaaayyyyyy!

timmmmmaaaaayyyyyy!

now that is a fan.

now that is a fan.

the dude is white!!!!

the dude is white!!!!

this is the greatest thing i've ever seen.

this is the greatest thing i've ever seen.

So now you now how you can make stunting habitual via automobile customization.  I hope you have learned as much as I have.  I would like to thank Tillamook Co., the 1989 Raiders, and the individual who created crocodile-skin shoes.

Always remember….

STUNTING IS HABITUAL

STUNTING IS HABITUAL

Currently listening to:  OutKast – ATLiens

How you find me.

Probably due to my offbeat and somewhat inaccurate tags, I get some pretty funny search engine queries that are leading people to my blog.  It looks like society is searching for advice on movies, relationships, and girls that they will never have a chance with during their lifetimes, be it from tv or a certain woman of the night.  I’m typing these exactly as they were entered into Microsoft Live Search (because no one uses that shitty Google) and including any commentary I deem necessary.

  • top 1o disney films – I think I provide valid reasoning and would put my list up against any others.
  • 100 things i am thankful for – People must be getting ready for Thanksgiving.  Since nothing in their lives has changed, they are probably trying to prep for that awkward and somewhat mundane event at the T-Giving dinner table when everyone goes around and says what they are thankful for.  Nice to know that these sentiments are being plagiarized from blogs.
  • rent a date for homecoming – Ouch.  Never in my wildest dreams would I think of searching the internet on this topic.  Sadly to say, this is one of the top search phrases that lead to my blog.  Which means one of two things:  either a) my readers are complete losers, or b) I am a complete loser.  I will take c) all of the above.
  • the hottest student bodies – I can understand this search term as who wouldn’t consider the attractiveness of the student body as a top criterion for selecting a college.  I mean seriously, you’re not going to go to a school because of the academics, are you?  Which is obviously why I chose Seattle Central Community College.  For the babes.
  • one week anniversary – this is kind of cute that you are looking for ideas on how to celebrate the fact that you have been official for 7 days. I really hope you are 12 years old, because if you’re older, there is no hope for you in this world.  And in that case, I hope you get dumped.
  • brittany benton two-a-days – Yah dude, she’s a babe.  But according to her Facebook page, she has turned into a ravenous bible-humper.  I’m talking overboard, insane, crazy, makes-me-kind-of-scared-to-open-the-nightstand-in-my-hotel-room-for-fear-that-she-will-jump-out-the-bible-like-a-goddamn-magic-show.  Actually, that might be kind of neat.  Mark, I forgive you for breaking up with her, she is a looney and has been cheating on you with Jesus.
  • someone should have told you i’m a fucking – You’re either a badass or you are looking for a comeback to someone who made fun of you.  I vote for the latter.  Or you were just looking for Jockin Jay-Z.
  • duck- for black people – Apparently duck for black people is different that duck for other kinds of people?  Or is this a new kind of bling….
  • kill the twenties – Now, now…. that’s how school violence starts.  Be easy.
  • i don’t have a date for homecoming – I don’t either.  I guess I should be searching the internet too.
  • university of washington hottest student – I know who this is.  She is incredible.  She is not in school anymore due to some rule called “graduation.”  But yeah, incredible.  I hope you found her man. Or girl. Actually, you are probably a teacher.
  • roger at the dingle – I don’t know what to make of this; I just think the word “dingle” is kind of funny.
  • fucking catalina wine mixer – CHEERS. I’ll meet you there.
  • jake locker espn – …. and I start to cry as I see this.  So much hope dashed away in an instant….
  • best sandwich seattle – I’m standing by my claim.
  • “until the looting started” – Is there something going on that I’m not aware of?  Better check my POGS.
  • bambi spearmint rhino – Hmmm….. looks like someone is trying to reconnect with a special someone.  I’m tellin you man, she just gave you her number so you wouldn’t feel bad about dropping four figures on a stripper.  I had a conversation with a strip club owner about this once. It’s a system.
  • spearmint rhino las vegas kimmy – Okay I didn’t know she was a real stripper when I called her out.  Guess I need disclaimers.
  • john parker wilson’s mother sorority – Someone has a thing for JPW’s mom.  And is taking the time to find out who she is.  Rad.
  • casey paus – Not quite sure why you would be searching for Casey Paus.  Searching for new nightmares?
  • what to do when you dont have a date for homecoming – Ummm….. I am no Casanova, but may be you could ask someone?  This is the age of the independent woman who gets equal pay for equal work.  Therefore, take that salary and put it to good use by taking out the male of your choice.  If not, you can join the support group for people who don’t have dates either. Seriously read that page though; there is an instant message conversation between some girl and a guy named brandon that is hilarious.  Here is a nugget:  <<brandon: is it ok if i take my truck [which just so happens to be huge]>>.  I do believe that that is what she said.
  • no black people in final fantasy – This statement is not true according to the GameSpot forums.
  • facebook+justin roper – You’re still a bitch.

Currently listening to:  Do or Die & Twista – Do You

Winners and Losers of the Week.

So here are my winners and losers from the past week (or so).  Hopefully I can make this a semi-regular thing.

WINNERS (this is good)

Ryan Reynolds. Dude, I have to hand it to you.  You somehow managed to bag a 23-year old (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) megastar as your lawfully-wedded wife.  She is more famous than you, has more money than you, is a big proponent for polygamy, and just did a threesome scene with Penelope Cruz.  She even beat Marisa Miller, I said MARISA MILLER, in the Elite 8 of the Bigger Dance.  I don’t even care that she is a shitty singer or that she likes SpongeBob.  Hey man, you remember when she was in the music video for Mandy Moore’s first single, Candy?  No?  I don’t either, but who gives a fuck, she has DSLs.  Now let’s take a look at a brief filmography for the both of you:

  • Scarlett:  The Horse Whisperer, Lost in Translation, Match Point
  • Ryan:  The Amityville Horror, Just Friends, Blade: Trinity

Wow man, you are looking good there.  She has done movies that garnered critical acclaim; you did one which had a character named Dusty Dinkleman.  But seriously, if you would have gone through with marrying Alanis Morisette I would have condemned you to a life of solitude in the Himalayas with only eucalyptus nectar to sustain yourself on.  I can do that.

David Duchovny. Hey man, I heard you completed sex rehab.  Congrats.  What do they do in there to mute your libido and desensitize you from coitus?  Show you repeated images of things that are not arousing?  I can only imagine how unaesthetic that must be.  Sort of like looking at an issue of something that is the reverse of Maxim.  Maybe Redbook.  Hey that would be a cool new position, the Reverse Maxim. I don’t know what it would be, but I’m sure it would look kind of like a helicopt….oops, sorry.  Forgot I wasn’t supposed to talk about those kind of things with you.  I find it funny that when you have a lot of sex it’s called an “addiction.”  When I do it’s called “fucking awesome.”

Anyone who went to the Sigur Ros show at Benaroya Hall.  Unreal.

Anyone who went short prior to 9/19 or has option straddle positions. You are smart…. and everyone else is crying. A lot.

People who eat $5 footlongs. There is a new sandwich!!!!!!  The Chicken Pizziola!!!!!!!!

Bars who held my credit card this weekend. You win. You always do.

LOSERS (this is bad)

Washington Huskies football and Seattle Seahawks football. This is getting ridiculous.  The Huskies can’t do things they teach you in Pop Warner, and the Seahawks can’t do things they teach you in high school.  I can’t tell if the Huskies are trying to emulate the Seahawks, or if the Seahawks are trying to emulate the Huskies.  Thank god for being able to drink in parking lots because there is nothing else redeeming about these “contests.”  We are like the goddamn team in hit movie Gridiron Gang starring The Rock before they get good. And that is bad.

The Sex in the City movie.  I haven’t seen it, but what a waste of fucking time.

Clay Aiken.  Took you long enough.

Pledges. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

People who go to Oregon. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Also, if anyone went to the Santogold show on Saturday, can you tell me how it was?  I was playing World of Warcraft in my basement and didn’t make it to the show.  Damn wizards and flying dragons….

Currently listening to:  We Are Scientists – After Hours

Mondays, as in “Case of the”

I don’t have one, although it’s kind of abrupt going from Bud Light, sun, friends, more than friends, music, ESPN, and irresponsibility to the exact opposite. I’m going to figure out a way to work from the beach. In Aruba. Stay tuned.

Also, fuck the phrase “Case of the Mondays.” The Mondays have a case of me.

Currently listening to: Blue Scholars – No Rest for the Weary