Category Archives: sports

National Championship FAIL

This is what happens when east coast writers cover west coast sports.

It’s okay, they’re only missing 27 national titles by UW in other team sports.

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Currently listening to:  N.A.S.A. – Gifted

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Stuff To Do This Week.

Here are some things you can do this week.  They should culminate in a span of time that is worthy of writing home to Mom about and posting silly photos on your social networking profile.  That’s Bebo, right?

Play life-sized Beer Pong.  Everyone loves red cups and ping-pong balls.  But what is that supposed to be, Beer Pong for ants?  We’re grown up now; let’s scale-up and do this right.  Replace keg cups with garbage cans (you can paint them red with a white brim) and ping pong balls with volleyballs.  Put a pony-keg (or regular-sized keg if you have a new haircut and just took Jagerbombs) in each garbage can.  When you make a shot, the opponent whose turn it is to drink takes a keg stand.  Simple as that.  This way you don’t have to refill after each game, which is a bitch because everyone always steals the pitchers anyway.

Note:  If you don’t have a costume for Halloween, you can be a keg cup using one of the spray-painted garbage cans.  It’s like a 2-for-1 deal straight outta Fred Meyer.  Everyone will love you, everyone will get drunk around you, and you will probably get your first HJ in cargo pants since 9th grade.

Watch the Huskies beat the Mediating Irish.  The Huskies are going to win this week.  As bad as they are, I am hoping that because of the diversity of faiths represented on the Husky football team, God will forsake us and shine a ray of light on Husky Stadium.  Notre Dame is no longer the Fighting Irish.  No, not after a string of losing seasons, a sloppy coach with bigger tits than the girl I’m dating (but doesn’t know it yet), and a quarterback who looks exactly like Sunshine from Remember the Titans with long hair and a cross between Smegel and a porcupine with short hair.  These Irish spend less time fighting and more time in dispute resolution with the media, their fan base, and each other.  God Bless.

In the spirit of Bud Light’s “Real Men of Genius,” here’s to you Mr. Delusional Irrational Notre Dame Football Fan.

Jimmy, I am going to give you more shit because you are a real dumb fuck.  I will let pictures speak for themselves.  You would be a good Halloween costume too.  All someone would need is a uniform, because football skills definitely aren’t necessary.

Oh, and here is Jimmy’s MySpace page if you want to look.  He is a Virgo.

jimmy with some dumb ho. (i think that is his mom)

jimmy with some dumb ho. (i think that is his mom)

jimmy looking tough on the 4th of july.

jimmy looking tough on the 4th of july.

jimmy with his excellent trucker hat.

jimmy with his excellent trucker hat.

jimmy auditioning for lord of the rings.

jimmy auditioning for lord of the rings.

jimmy with his buds.

jimmy with his buds.

This last picture doesn’t really surprise me though.  I mean, he was an understudy (no pun intended) of Brady Quinn, the most badassest of them all.

brady sizing up his friend for a new pair of slacks.

brady sizing up his friend for a new pair of slacks.

brady checking for std's (he was clean)

brady checking for std's (he was clean)

Fucking Notre Dame….

“Hate em” – David Chappelle as Clayton Bigsby, White Power, Chappelle’s Show Season 2, 2003

And lastly…..

Drink a bottle of one of the below with a bunch of friends and realize that life is fucking grand.

slurpee

slurpee

gatorade

gatorade

vitamin water

vitamin water

beer

beer

Currently listening to:  Dan Deacon – The Crystal Cat

Stunting is Habitual.

While Terrell Owens is spending the week thanking god, I am going to spend the week thanking David Banner.  The David Banner of American rap, record production, record executive, acting, and…… oh you didn’t know…… philanthropic fame.  The David Banner who recorded the song “Play,” the sexually charged anthem of 2005 which received massive airplay on fraternity dance floors between the hours of 12:30-2:00am on any given Tuesday. The David Banner whose real name is Lavell Crump.  David, or Lavell, or whoever you are, I would also take a stage alias if my parents decided to give me a name that sounded like it belonged in the 3rd installment of The Nutty Professor.

Ask yourself:  without David, would you have ever considered if you’d seen a Chevy with the butterfly doors? I don’t think so.  It’s kind of weird that he keeps talking about a Chevy with butterfly doors when he pulls up in the beginning of the video in a blue 360 Spyder.  But who am I to judge, stunting is not yet habitual for me.

So that gets me to the point of this post:  stunting.  Interestingly enough, Urban Dictionary has this definition:

“High class flashing of your jewelry, money riches etc. Made famous by the Cash Money Millionaires. A person who stunts would be a “stunna” usually showing off diamonds, gold, platinum, women, cars and stacks of cash..LARGE BILLS! see “bling bling” for an idea of something a “stunna” would stunt.”

Notice that this definition does not mention stunting as any kind of acquired pattern of behavior that often occurs automatically.  So it seems that David is making a claim as to the extent of his stunting and how he goes about it.

Number one would be with his vehicle.  He sings about it in his songs.  He is a teacher, a nobleman who has extended the philosophy of Pimp My Ride.  And if your vehicle is properly stunting, it encompasses the following things, all according to David in the gospel ballad Get Like Me:

  • “chip in the engine” – Technically, the chip does not go in the engine, it goes in the ECU.  You solder it onto the motherboard and it remaps the fuel and ignition timing.  Not that I know anything about  this kind of stuff.
  • “26 inch rims” – This seems a little outlandish to me.  It’s like being 5’4″, 105 lbs and getting triple-D’s.
  • “old school chevy” – Equals 1985 Caprice.  That is fucking baller, man.
  • “freak on my arm” – I am guessing this is Melyssa Ford.
  • “diamonds on my pinky” – That is sweet.
  • “diamonds in my mouth” – That is not ostentatious at all.
  • “charm around my neck” – That’s CUTE.  Tiffany’s?
  • “Gucci on my seat” – Gucci does not make seat covers.
  • “pistol in my hand” – Pistol?  Is this the fucking Civil War? Where is your Parrott Rifle?
the culmination of the above points results in this. piece. of. shit.

the culmination of the above points result in this. piece. of. shit.

imagine going out to dinner on a saturday and your date has this in his mouth.

imagine going out to dinner on a saturday and your date has this in his mouth.

Now this gets us to the most important part of a vehicle which aims to achieve the status of “stunting”: the vanity license plate.  Everyone can get rims and chips and paint and velour seat covers and dice and bitches and hoes, but license plates provide the blank canvas that any true artist relishes to use as a foundation.  Here are some examples from cars that are definitely stunting.

how did the DMV not catch this...

how did the DMV not catch this...

have you seen that new pirate movie?  it's rated just like your license plate.

have you seen that new pirate movie? it's rated the same as your license plate.

that is lewd.

that is lewd.

timmmmmaaaaayyyyyy!

timmmmmaaaaayyyyyy!

now that is a fan.

now that is a fan.

the dude is white!!!!

the dude is white!!!!

this is the greatest thing i've ever seen.

this is the greatest thing i've ever seen.

So now you now how you can make stunting habitual via automobile customization.  I hope you have learned as much as I have.  I would like to thank Tillamook Co., the 1989 Raiders, and the individual who created crocodile-skin shoes.

Always remember….

STUNTING IS HABITUAL

STUNTING IS HABITUAL

Currently listening to:  OutKast – ATLiens

Sunday, Bloody Sunday.

i still love you man.  call me this week and i will introduce you to my girlfriend.

i still love you man. call me this week and i will introduce you to my girlfriend.

this game was my 3rd favorite husky football moral victory from the willingham era.

this game was my 3rd favorite husky football moral victory from the willingham era.

People who thought the call was bogus (as in Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey): Chris Fowler, Lee Corso, Kirk Herbstreit, Lou Holtz, Rece Davis, Mark May, 80,000 people at Husky Stadium, almost all of the people who have commented here, and 49 out of the 50 states according to an ESPN College Gameday Final poll last night during the 9pm show. Guess what was the only state to vote differently? Hint: Rhymes a little with “boy this is some lovely baklavah.”

And that’s all I’m going to say about the game yesterday because if I think about it anymore I’m gonna throw my computer out of my window, only to realize that I live in a basement and have no windows, which means said computer’s momentum would be stopped by a cement wall and discompartmentalize into fractional pieces of its previous form, all of which I would have to pick up and dispose of – an act that I do not have time for today because I will be watching football.

Also, reports are the Shaun Alexander might be employed again as soon as Week 2. He has been in contact with numerous teams, including the Bengals, while working out at UW with speed coach Joe Gentry. Good old Montlake. I wonder if Jake could beat him in the 40…. running backwards?

this picture must have been taken before the line of scrimmage because shaun is still on his feet.

this picture must have been taken before the line of scrimmage because shaun is still on his feet.

hey look it's john parker wilson from hoover high school! i watched you on the mtv show two-a-days man!

hey look it's john parker wilson from hoover high school! i saw you on the mtv show "two-a-days" dude! and now you're working it with saban!

Speaking of Two-a-Days, remember that girl Brittany that was pretty much the hottest girl ever and was dating that toolbag Mark? I’m sure you do. Anyways, here are some pictures in case you’ve forgotten. God bless America, and the chicks that are bred in the South. I believe they are called “belles” or “barrels of hay” or “sandwich artists” or something, though I could be wrong.

a very unflattering image.

a very unflattering image.

she's the ugly one on the right.

she's the ugly one on the right.

this must be during rush.

this must be during rush.

obviously they are at a mariners game.

obviously they are at a mariners game.

squatting as usual.  that's what she said.

squatting as usual. that's what she said.

i think every girl with at least two friends has taken this exact picture. i would like you to try an prove me wrong.

i think every girl with at least two friends has taken this exact picture. i would like you to try an prove me wrong.

this is the biggest dating upset EVER.  EVER. like in the history of dating, which i'm pretty sure goes back a ways. you have won the lottery and didn't even have to get up on a table in the cafeteria and sing "let's stay together" by al green during lunch. if you ever let this go i will disown you and make sure you end up in gitmo.

brittany and her boyfriend mark. okay dude, here is the deal: this is the biggest dating upset EVER. EVER. like in the history of dating, which i'm pretty sure goes back a ways. you have won the lottery and didn't even have to get up on a table in the cafeteria and sing "let's stay together" by al green during lunch. i had to do this just to secure a date to prom. if you ever let this go i will disown you and forward you email chain letters proclaiming a lifetime of bad luck if you don't forward them to at least 10 people in the next 2 minutes, which i'm sure you won't do because you should be spending every waking moment (and sleeping moments at that) making sure that this woman is the happiest combination of X-chromosomes on earth.

Currently listening to: Latryx – Lady Don’t Tek No

Don’t Have a Date for Homecoming? Rent a USC Song Girl.

I guess we can’t do this because our cheerleaders aren’t as desirable as their counterparts at USC. Apparently you can hire a USC Song Girl (formal name for “cheerleader”) for your event with the approval of Dr. Justine Gilman and a $150 fee per girl per appearance. Those of you that need a date for your high school reunion, want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous at the next wine mixer, or if you’re a loser who dreams of hooking up with a college girl again, this is your chance.

More info on this program here, and below is the actual application. Filled out, of course (click to enlarge).

you too can have a hot chick hang out with you that isn't a stripper. but you still have to pay.

you too can have a hot chick hang out with you that isn't a stripper. but you still have to pay.

harry and the henderson's.

harry and the hendersons.

Currently listening to: Santogold – L.E.S. Artistes

The One Week Anniversary of Labor Day Weekend 2008.

“Wait, Katie! When we first started hanging out together this morning, we were just friends, but things change, and I’ve fallen in love with you. And, I ju-I just know that if you gave me a chance, I could make you feel so good. So, I’m coming to you, not as your buddy, and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man, a man who loves a woman, and who wants to hold her and provide for her, and yes-have sex with her, but no seriously Katie, I-I love the way you laugh and I love the way your hair smells and I-I love it that sometimes for no reason you’re late for shul, and I don’t care that you’re bowlegged and I don’t care that you’re bilingual, all I know is that I would have said no to every single person on your list because I’ve always wanted you.”

– Wet Hot American Summer

Just like your 8th grade summer camp girlfriend liked to do, it’s time to start planning the celebration for a 1 week anniversary. This celebration acquires cause from Labor Day weekend, a blissful period of pomp and circumstance that marks the middle of summer in Seattle. Thankfully, there are a bunch of events that should make Office Outlook calendar scheduling a breeze.

Mariners vs. Yankees

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday mark the exciting time of year when all of the closet New York Yankee fans come out in full costume and yell obnoxiously at Safeco Field, seemingly cheering on their beloved team while in reality offending every person in attendance that has a young child, a relative with Alzheimer’s, or an IQ above 85.

Here is a wonderful article about ARod and his recent successes in the Big Apple.

alex i think people might know about you and joslyn noel morse....

alex, i think people might know about you and joslyn noel morse....

Washington Huskies vs. BYU *cough* Cougars

It’s the first home game of the year, which means the first Husky tailgate of the year. Also, it means the first win of the year.

To get you ready for this event, which ranks 3rd behind Seafair and Christmas, below is an amusing expose that SIoncampus.com did on Washington tailgating last year.

Another tailgate refresher with Jim Caple’s article on the same subject can be found here.

The most peculiar tailgating item I came across: a UW logo steak branding iron.

good for steaks. great for butts.

good for steaks. great for butts.

Also, BYU has been named the Most Religious School in the nation by the Princeton Review in its 2009 edition of Best 368 Colleges. Get ready to throw that Diet Coke.

PS. I have that Locker Stalker t-shirt. And it’s for sale. Inquire within.

Ratatat at Showbox Market

Friday. Sold out at the box office. Get your tickets on the secondary market. No need to explain anything else here. Just watch.

Currently listening to: Ingrid Michaelson – I Will Follow You Into the Dark (Death Cab for Cutie cover)

Observations From the Weekend.

Let’s take a look at a myriad of observations that stem from the past 3 days, presented in a variety of formats:

Husky Game Analysis – Standard Middle School Letter Grade Scale

cocaine is a helluva drug. maybe we should do lines before playing BYU.

chances that the team will play better on ecstacy --------> A

My Good News – Standard Prose

So the one good thing that happened to me this weekend is that I got a new car. I’m kind of big on gas mileage and style at the same time, hence my choice. I don’t really care if you laugh at me, I got TV screens in my headrests so the cars in back of me can watch An Inconvenient Truth (in HD), which I have on repeat. I’ll see you at Hot Import Nights, sucka.

And yes, to answer your question, it does have cup holders.

i got worms.

"picture me rollin." - 2pac

I just found a hair in my coffee.

fuck bejing, this is the REAL dream team.

this is vanessa bryant getting back at kobe, if you catch my drift. if not, read the drudge report.

Las Vegas – Standard Prose, and then Stream of Consciousness

So I’m currently planning a trip to Vegas, and after looking at all the packages that are offered by websites and hotels, I realized there is nothing that caters to me. I am not looking for a golf getaway or a spa package or 8 tickets to see Cirque de Soleil accompanied by a $25 meal credit, but rather to indulge myself in the sweet nectars of life in a place that skews from reality. You would think I’m trying to get to Wonderland, the majestic fantasy world filled with anthropomorphic creatures in the Disney classic Alice in Wonderland, but I am not ready for my cards to start talking to me just yet.

What exactly am I seeking? If someone would offer a package for “twentysomethings with disposable income who wish to get completely opaque (read: blacked out) upon arrival and play extraneous amounts of craps, blackjack, and poker before heading to the pool and running up at $250 tab with Kimmy, the pale-skinned blond from Kansas with perky B-cups who moved out to Vegas to make a name for herself after her failing to have her application accepted for an episode of MTV’s Made, only to tell her to put it on the bill for your friend Roger’s room (#12079) which you gloat about with Aaron until you realize that Roger is actually staying in your room, which pisses you off until the point when people start streaming into your room to prefunk because your grandma lives in Vegas and brought you ten half G’s from Costco that are well on their way to being polished off when Geoff reminds you that unless you leave you’re gonna lose your table at Tryst, so you then hustle down to the Wynn and claim your space and realize that Neil Patrick Harris is in the booth next to you, which of course is fucking awesome, so you tell him how much you love How I Met Your Mother and start going back and forth taking shots of Patron and Goose and King Louis that you know you can’t afford but mentally say fuck it, this is Vegas, only to get kicked out after you and Neil get overly aggressive while propositioning one sorority sweetheart and one ex-NFL Europe player (remember: NPH likes men) for handjobs on the waterfall deck, but of course that can’t be the end of the night so you go to the Spearmint Rhino and do massive amounts of coke off the Brazilian wax of an Arabian stripper named Chastity, an ironic name, who is stripping to put herself through “nanotechnology school” so she “can create energy because I am so energetic” which even in your altered state you realize is a load of crap but whatever, she has fake D’s and Neil is buying so you go with it and ask her what her favorite part of the atomic structure is, which she responds to non-verbally by grabbing your cock, a startling gesture that has nothing to do with nanotechnology but is exciting at the same time, so you start telling her how you never thought there were any good girls in Vegas until you met her and that she has such a good head on her shoulders and “hey let’s take shots of Jager, oh those were good” and you say well this has been fun Chastity but I can’t spend anymore with you because I need to pay rent so she says okay here is my phone number which you take in disarray because you think she is stealing your credit card while simultaneously stealing you heart, and kiss goodbye (ew) to stumble out and greet the 9am Vegas sun which puts you to sleep in the cab back to the hotel because I mean why does it have to be so fucking hot in Vegas but whatever I don’t care I just want to die right now I feel so fucking horrible and then Chastity calls you to tell you how good of a time she had and that she wants to see you again which of course is bullshit but you are so tired you tell her that you love her and that you guys should hang out sometime and maybe go to Sizzler or something before you go back home, totally disregarding that fact that she is only trying to massage your ego so you don’t feel so bad when you come down from your nights festivities and face the fact that you spent $3500 on a stripper which fucking sucks because she’s a fucking stripper which is all you can think about while walking through the hotel but then oh look there’s my friends at the pool and you walk over and say what up guys, great night huh and they ask where the fuck have you been and you say playing blackjack all night at the Frontier with a senior citizen couple from Florida and they say oh sweet, good thing you kept it low key because that was only the first night and we decided that tonight we’re gonna go big.”*

That is the package I am looking for.

Currently listening to: The Knife – Heartbeats

*I just typed that without stopping my fingers.