So here are my winners and losers from the past week (or so). Hopefully I can make this a semi-regular thing.
WINNERS (this is good)
Ryan Reynolds. Dude, I have to hand it to you. You somehow managed to bag a 23-year old (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) megastar as your lawfully-wedded wife. She is more famous than you, has more money than you, is a big proponent for polygamy, and just did a threesome scene with Penelope Cruz. She even beat Marisa Miller, I said MARISA MILLER, in the Elite 8 of the Bigger Dance. I don’t even care that she is a shitty singer or that she likes SpongeBob. Hey man, you remember when she was in the music video for Mandy Moore’s first single, Candy? No? I don’t either, but who gives a fuck, she has DSLs. Now let’s take a look at a brief filmography for the both of you:
- Scarlett: The Horse Whisperer, Lost in Translation, Match Point
- Ryan: The Amityville Horror, Just Friends, Blade: Trinity
Wow man, you are looking good there. She has done movies that garnered critical acclaim; you did one which had a character named Dusty Dinkleman. But seriously, if you would have gone through with marrying Alanis Morisette I would have condemned you to a life of solitude in the Himalayas with only eucalyptus nectar to sustain yourself on. I can do that.
David Duchovny. Hey man, I heard you completed sex rehab. Congrats. What do they do in there to mute your libido and desensitize you from coitus? Show you repeated images of things that are not arousing? I can only imagine how unaesthetic that must be. Sort of like looking at an issue of something that is the reverse of Maxim. Maybe Redbook. Hey that would be a cool new position, the Reverse Maxim. I don’t know what it would be, but I’m sure it would look kind of like a helicopt….oops, sorry. Forgot I wasn’t supposed to talk about those kind of things with you. I find it funny that when you have a lot of sex it’s called an “addiction.” When I do it’s called “fucking awesome.”
Anyone who went to the Sigur Ros show at Benaroya Hall. Unreal.
Anyone who went short prior to 9/19 or has option straddle positions. You are smart…. and everyone else is crying. A lot.
People who eat $5 footlongs. There is a new sandwich!!!!!! The Chicken Pizziola!!!!!!!!
Bars who held my credit card this weekend. You win. You always do.
LOSERS (this is bad)
Washington Huskies football and Seattle Seahawks football. This is getting ridiculous. The Huskies can’t do things they teach you in Pop Warner, and the Seahawks can’t do things they teach you in high school. I can’t tell if the Huskies are trying to emulate the Seahawks, or if the Seahawks are trying to emulate the Huskies. Thank god for being able to drink in parking lots because there is nothing else redeeming about these “contests.” We are like the goddamn team in hit movie Gridiron Gang starring The Rock before they get good. And that is bad.
The Sex in the City movie. I haven’t seen it, but what a waste of fucking time.
Clay Aiken. Took you long enough.
People who go to Oregon. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
Also, if anyone went to the Santogold show on Saturday, can you tell me how it was? I was playing World of Warcraft in my basement and didn’t make it to the show. Damn wizards and flying dragons….
Currently listening to: We Are Scientists – After Hours