Observations From the Weekend.

Let’s take a look at a myriad of observations that stem from the past 3 days, presented in a variety of formats:

Husky Game Analysis – Standard Middle School Letter Grade Scale

cocaine is a helluva drug. maybe we should do lines before playing BYU.

chances that the team will play better on ecstacy --------> A

My Good News – Standard Prose

So the one good thing that happened to me this weekend is that I got a new car. I’m kind of big on gas mileage and style at the same time, hence my choice. I don’t really care if you laugh at me, I got TV screens in my headrests so the cars in back of me can watch An Inconvenient Truth (in HD), which I have on repeat. I’ll see you at Hot Import Nights, sucka.

And yes, to answer your question, it does have cup holders.

i got worms.

"picture me rollin." - 2pac

I just found a hair in my coffee.

fuck bejing, this is the REAL dream team.

this is vanessa bryant getting back at kobe, if you catch my drift. if not, read the drudge report.

Las Vegas – Standard Prose, and then Stream of Consciousness

So I’m currently planning a trip to Vegas, and after looking at all the packages that are offered by websites and hotels, I realized there is nothing that caters to me. I am not looking for a golf getaway or a spa package or 8 tickets to see Cirque de Soleil accompanied by a $25 meal credit, but rather to indulge myself in the sweet nectars of life in a place that skews from reality. You would think I’m trying to get to Wonderland, the majestic fantasy world filled with anthropomorphic creatures in the Disney classic Alice in Wonderland, but I am not ready for my cards to start talking to me just yet.

What exactly am I seeking? If someone would offer a package for “twentysomethings with disposable income who wish to get completely opaque (read: blacked out) upon arrival and play extraneous amounts of craps, blackjack, and poker before heading to the pool and running up at $250 tab with Kimmy, the pale-skinned blond from Kansas with perky B-cups who moved out to Vegas to make a name for herself after her failing to have her application accepted for an episode of MTV’s Made, only to tell her to put it on the bill for your friend Roger’s room (#12079) which you gloat about with Aaron until you realize that Roger is actually staying in your room, which pisses you off until the point when people start streaming into your room to prefunk because your grandma lives in Vegas and brought you ten half G’s from Costco that are well on their way to being polished off when Geoff reminds you that unless you leave you’re gonna lose your table at Tryst, so you then hustle down to the Wynn and claim your space and realize that Neil Patrick Harris is in the booth next to you, which of course is fucking awesome, so you tell him how much you love How I Met Your Mother and start going back and forth taking shots of Patron and Goose and King Louis that you know you can’t afford but mentally say fuck it, this is Vegas, only to get kicked out after you and Neil get overly aggressive while propositioning one sorority sweetheart and one ex-NFL Europe player (remember: NPH likes men) for handjobs on the waterfall deck, but of course that can’t be the end of the night so you go to the Spearmint Rhino and do massive amounts of coke off the Brazilian wax of an Arabian stripper named Chastity, an ironic name, who is stripping to put herself through “nanotechnology school” so she “can create energy because I am so energetic” which even in your altered state you realize is a load of crap but whatever, she has fake D’s and Neil is buying so you go with it and ask her what her favorite part of the atomic structure is, which she responds to non-verbally by grabbing your cock, a startling gesture that has nothing to do with nanotechnology but is exciting at the same time, so you start telling her how you never thought there were any good girls in Vegas until you met her and that she has such a good head on her shoulders and “hey let’s take shots of Jager, oh those were good” and you say well this has been fun Chastity but I can’t spend anymore with you because I need to pay rent so she says okay here is my phone number which you take in disarray because you think she is stealing your credit card while simultaneously stealing you heart, and kiss goodbye (ew) to stumble out and greet the 9am Vegas sun which puts you to sleep in the cab back to the hotel because I mean why does it have to be so fucking hot in Vegas but whatever I don’t care I just want to die right now I feel so fucking horrible and then Chastity calls you to tell you how good of a time she had and that she wants to see you again which of course is bullshit but you are so tired you tell her that you love her and that you guys should hang out sometime and maybe go to Sizzler or something before you go back home, totally disregarding that fact that she is only trying to massage your ego so you don’t feel so bad when you come down from your nights festivities and face the fact that you spent $3500 on a stripper which fucking sucks because she’s a fucking stripper which is all you can think about while walking through the hotel but then oh look there’s my friends at the pool and you walk over and say what up guys, great night huh and they ask where the fuck have you been and you say playing blackjack all night at the Frontier with a senior citizen couple from Florida and they say oh sweet, good thing you kept it low key because that was only the first night and we decided that tonight we’re gonna go big.”*

That is the package I am looking for.

Currently listening to: The Knife – Heartbeats

*I just typed that without stopping my fingers.


2 responses to “Observations From the Weekend.

  1. NPH wouldn’t do that!!

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